I could not pretend to know the difference between the storms you send and those I find...

Nichole Nordeman is my hero.

"Even fields of flowers
Dressing in their best because of You
Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom.
But what about November
When the air is cold and wet winds blow
Do they understand why they can't grow?"


It seems I am sort of doing lots of hard things lately. I don't really know. Life is just sort of stressful. I have no money and lots of things need to be paid for. I keep forgetting about things, like, places I'm supposed to be and phone calls I need to make, which is totally not like me. I keep doing things I don't want to do, and acting ways I don't want to act, and just in general not being who I want to be. I need to memorize the scripts for VBS, and at the same time be memorizing the scripture for small group, on top of the scripture I'm trying to memorize just because. I'm losing stuff and getting confused and being absentminded. I keep doing things I don't want to do, and acting ways I don't want to act, and just in general not being who I want to be. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand what's going wrong. Maybe I'm just tired and stressed. Maybe I'm just a normal teenager. Maybe I'm losing my mind. *sigh*

Today was sucky and fantastic all rolled up into one. I forgot about skit practice, and thus didn't show up. Left my phone on vibrate for no reason other than I felt like it, left it on the table, and missed both calls from Jeremy asking if I was coming. Babysat Carter and Owen. Lost my flip-flops and spent a good ten minutes looking for them. It might not have been that long, but it felt long. The party bowl was tonight, and that was fun. I was forced against my will to play ping-pong. I suck at ping-pong. But I did it anyway. Not without griping and whining, which cancels out any brownie points I earned for doing it in the first place. Played basketball sort of. I couldn't see the hoop. That was annoying. But I still had fun. Yeah. It was an odd day. Or maybe I'm just moody.

I wish I was who I want to be. I hate wishing that. But I always do. It's just hard when you try so hard, and then you see yourself, and you're not even close. I don't want people to sit and make it easy for me, I just want to do life the right way. And it's so hard. Life is hard. And life is beautiful. But life is brutal.

And then there are those moments when you just feel God standing next to you whispering, you can do this. You're going to be fine. Don't say you can't when I promise you, you can. You can. And then you have to try, because the guy who created you and allowed you to live despite all your scumbagishness is egging you on *laugh* No, it's more beautiful than that. God is what makes life beautiful. God is beauty. And he has this way of poking and prodding me out of my comfort zone and making me do stuff and making me believe that I can do it. Because I can, can't I? I believe what he says. I believe God when he tells me I can do it. He says I can. So I can, can't I? Yes. Sure I can. He says I can. I can.

Gosh, I suck today. *laugh*

Mara

PS) If this post makes no sense, I... well, I was going to say I'm sorry, but I just decided I'm not going to care. So suck it up, and if you care, don't read. *grin*