Why don't you come right out and say what I know you're thinking anyway...

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up, had twenty minutes to get ready and go practice with Andrew for special tomorrow, practiced, went to Ames to get pop for the youth room (that fridge is definitely very full), came back, dropped the pop off, left the church, borrowed a key to get back in to the church because Mom locked her purse in it, went home, watched half of Stick It, took Liz H. home, went to give Andy a get-well blizzard (that kid is going to be so spoiled by the time he's healed. It's a good thing everybody loves him so much.), picked Liz H. up, and went shopping in Des Moines. It was nice. I got some neat stuff.

I am really excited for my ring. I wish I had it right now. But I don't because I'm indecisive and I don't know what to engrave on the inside. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Seriously.

What should I wear to church tomorrow? Hmmm...

Mara Tenille

I built these walls, come get to me...

It's funny how sometimes you build walls around yourself automatically without even really noticing.  That's what happens most often for me.  I won't trust someone just by default, because I'm so used to blocking people out like that.  I do that all the time and it doesn't even occur to me until I'm actually looking for it.  I am not typically a very trusting person, and even of the few people I do trust more than I would normally, I really don't trust many of them, if any of them, completely.  Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe it's not.  I'm still figuring that out.  How much trust is too much?  How much is too little?  Who can I trust?  But that's somewhat beside the point I'm trying to get at.

So, I build walls of distrust and fear without even thinking about it most of the time.  But recently it's been really weird.  I can feel myself building walls.  I can feel myself wondering if I should trust a person or not.  I can feel myself developing this fear that someone will hurt me or abandon me or decide I'm not worth it anymore.  I can feel it happening.  I've never had that happen before.  Where I can tell I'm doing that.  Before, it's always just sort of happened.  But this is so bizarre.  It scares me.  I don't want to be afraid, I don't like fear.  I don't want to be afraid of people.  It makes them so hard to love the way I want to love, because I'm so afraid of that love being wasted.  Love takes too much away for it not to be returned.

So I have to stop.  And that's hard.  It's hard not to be afraid.  I'm scared of so many things, really.  Spiders.  Drowning.  Falling.  So what do you do?  Live on?  Give up?  Get over it?

Everyone needs to pray for Andy.  He's in surgury right now, actually, for his hand.  He broke it last night playing football and he'll be out the rest of the season, which really, really sucks.  I'm leaving for the hospital right now.  Thanks!


Sincerely,
Mara Tenille
The Butterfly Child

I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before...

I DON'T TELL ALL OF THE MOTHER DAUGHTER INSIDE JOKES, I JUST TOLD THAT ONE STORY BECAUSE IT WAS SO HILARIOUS!!!

Today I get my phone.  Iamsoexcited. *giggle*

I got a Geometry quiz back today.  100%.  I am really happy about that.  Especially considering I got like, a C+ on the last one, which is lame, and not good enough.

I now declare this email thing awesome.

Does anyone have any ideas for songs to add to my playlist that is on here?  I'm running out of ideas.

Today is a good day.  I like it.

Mara Tenille

I know you'd save me from a thousand fears...

So!  I'm testing out this spiffy email blogger thing.  Basically, I can email this super secret email address and then BOOM!  It magically will be a blog post.  It will work better this way, I think, because Blogger has been finicky for me.  So yep!  Hopefully it will work.

Our computer has been really slow lately.  It's stupid.  At least it isn't like dial-up, but you know, still.  It's annoying.  When you get used to things working well, it's not exactly pleasant when they start to be dumb. *shrug*

I am excited because tomorrow I'm getting a new cellphone.  It's going to have an insanely small amount of minutes (me, Mom, and Sophie are sharing 550 minutes.  That's three hours per month per person.), but weekends and nights are free, so that'll be great.  I'm not totally sure what kind of phone it's going to be because Dad wasn't sure if it was going to be an M300 or a RAZR, but they're both cute phones.  And I called a red one.  Hehehe.

I am also excited (it's been sort of an exciting day) because I picked a purity ring and it's awesome because I can have the inside engraved.  I don't know what to put on it though.  But!  It's a cute ring.  I like it.

Another exciting thing: me and Andrew's prize money from Prairie Fest came!  So I get to hand Andrew a $50 bill and grin and be a happy person.  There isn't really anything left of my $50, but that's alright, because I spent it pretty well.

I need to get baking.  I'm making cookies for small group tonight!

Sincerely,
Mara the Butterfly

All I've got to say is I must have done something right...

Goodness, life has been crazy. I like it though. Yes. It can stick around.

LifeLight was amazing. I wish I hadn't gotten so tired and worn out. I probably came off as a jerk a lot more than I had intended. I also probably intended to come off as a jerk when I shouldn't have. Because really, you never should come off as a jerk. All the same, LifeLight rocked, everyone got along well in my opinion, TobyMac and Tait played Jesus Freak together and were amazing, Anberlin is still the best ever, and I bought some awesome t-shirts, two of which are somewhat politiocally incorrect which makes me happier than it probably should, and I most likely won't wear the more politically incorrect of the two because it is so out there, but it will sit in my drawer and I will grin at it. Here! I'll find a picture of it.

Here's the one I probably won't wear much:












Annnnd here's the one that I got for free that is hugely large and needs to be modified, but that I will most likely wear:












And here's the rockin' Anberlin shirt that I got for cheap because it was the display one and had pinholes in it:











Aren't they awesome? They make me so happy. *grin*

I should probably go do Algebra before I sleep off these leftover concert fumes.

Sincerely,
Mara the politically incorrect butterfly

Would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this...

School was stupid today. Did fine on my Algebra quiz, sucked on my Geometry quiz, did absolutely nothing during Dig Comm, starting filling out my study guide for science and had absolutely no idea what they were talking about, had to do twice as much Brit Lit because the curriculum is on a 5-day schedule, and God forbid you miss a day, because then it takes two billion hours to read instead of just one billion due to the fact that you have to read twice as much and answer twice as many questions about the reading . Not to mention I can't retain any information I read, so then when I have to answer questions about it I don't even remember what they're talking about. Gosh, I feel like a complete idiot.

It is taking ages to rip this CD to my computer.

Well, on the bright side of things, my clothes that I need to pack are dry, The Sun and The Moon is on, my hair is still pink fuschia, I have a four pack of Jones Energy sitting around, and we leave for LifeLight tomorrow. Sure, it's Thursday night and still no one knows what we're going to eat the entire time, and still no one understands that we're trying to avoid going to food vendors, and still I have nothing packed, and still I have no money to pay for the food that I also don't have to eat for the next four days, and still we're missing all of the Friday night acts, but we're going.

*sigh*

It's not really that bad. I'm just in a crappy mood. I hate stress and feeling like an idiot. That's basically all. *shrug* No big deal.

I need to pack.

Mara Tenille

IamabutterflyIamabutterflyIamabutterflyIamabutterfly.

Jump in and go and we could drive for years, we could feel alive...

Today was sort of stupid. I have felt nasty and sickly all day, and everyone else is getting sick too, and my best friend is done with youth group, and stuff. I don't really remember. I had way more to whine about, too. I love this blog. It's the best venting machine ever. I write whatever I want. And I don't care that you're reading it right now. Ha!

I am exhausted. Not the sort of sleepy exhausted, just sort of that crabby, icky, I'm-done-now exhausted. For that reason, I'm going to go sleep now, because it's already far later than I wanted to be awake.

Goodnight!

Mara